Thirsting but not drinking . . .


O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, any love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow T Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I find that I spend much of my inner monologue lamenting my sin. Not in a way that could be called "helpful," though. Mostly I just see the same patterns repeating over and over again:

I still, (still!!) struggle with an eating disorder after 7 years of straining against it. I say the wrong things to my friends day after day, neglecting to implore with only the truth of the grace and beauty of Christ. I am a phony. My heart breaks at my lack of faith and devotion to Christ and yet ten minutes later I'm frustrated with my husband and rudely snap mean retorts out of impatience and pride. Who said that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy? That is why it's dark in here. Though my mouth is parched and bleeding, my throat dusty, my lips cracked and dry, I do not go to the living water to drink. Foolish girl! When will you learn?