I'm awake right now; painfully awake. The kind of awake where you wonder if you'll ever be able to sleep again, like sleep were just some spanish class you took for two years and high school but never fully understood. And now that you need to speak it you cant remember a word, only that you're supposed to know it and don't. And the sickest part about sleeplessness is that it compounds. The more I toss and wriggle under the blankets, the more I feel uncomfortable and wide, oh so wide, awake. Paradoxically the later it gets without drifting off into unconsciosness, the sickeningly early the clock looks. 1 am. 2 am. I keep asking myself over and over again, Why am I not asleep? Ive taken sleeping pills, headache pills, had a glass of cool water, and am lying in a warm bed. It's inky black in our bedroom and Jusje is snoring loudly beside me. I gave up jabbing him in the side an hour ago. Now Im resigned to listening to the rumble in his chest as I gaze blankly at the ceiling. The first thing I think is how disgustingly dusty our fan is. This is a bizarre thought, mostly because I cant even see the fan at the moment. I cant see anything, but that doesn't ward off the vision of the fan's spokes clothed in an inch and a half of dust. I imagine it as clearly as if my lamp illuminates its endless, sooty spinning. I've thought of this fan so many times; a shrine to a to-do list that rolls off into the horizon of infinity. I know this is just another symptom of my seriously out of control OCD kicking in. The later it gets, the more my thoughts spiral downward, tipping wildly into dark alleys full of hostile silhouettes.
I know I should try and stop, but like a drunk, I stagger aimlessly forward. I lie here, numbly spectating on the torrent of disjointed thoughts that attack me in rapid succession. And so, rather than continue in this mental water boarding session, I am signing off and reading another 3 chapters in my scandinavian book of the month, The Snowman. Here's to you, as you sleep. May you ceiling fans be clean and your mind at rest.