Resolved and Restless
It's Monday, January 8th, 2012 and I still have not touched my itemized New Year's resolves. Part of that is due to the current (lovely) encumbrance but that's still a bit of a secret. And now I'm getting ahead of myself. I searched Tumblr for New Year's Resolutions and felt that usual stomach churning repulsion by the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" postings. Countless tumbles began with "I want to work out every day and lose weight this year!" Almost as many people wrote about how they want to be good and do good. That's all fine except for the complete impossibility of it all.
Here's the dirty truth: I've had an active eating disorder for 7 years. I've had a mental eating disorder for 17. I am: High strung, moody, depressive, excessively loquacious, selfish, egotistical / completely impoverished self-esteem, a gossip, a liar, a slanderer, frivolous, aggressive, uptight, self-seeking, a nagger, prone to passive aggressive tactics, competitive, obsessive over the past, and spiritually spinning my wheels. How could I archive anything different this year from that of last? It's an obvious answer. I can't.
That's why my resolution is simple: This year I want to be brutally honest about my dirt and God's gleaming perfection.
I want to get closer to him, to become transformed closer to his personality, and to always, always keep things in an eternal perspective. Unfortunately for me, I haven't found / taken a moment of time to pray without distractions or read the Bible since the middle of December. That's embarrassing and rather indicative of just how dirty I am.
But God ... It always comes back to him and his incredible power to transform dead hearts.
one of my favorite passages:
And you were dead in the trespasses and sins But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. (Ephesians 2:1, 4-9 ESV)