I am a sorter. I spend most of my inner dialogue sorting people--analyzing conversations, predicting future behavior trajectories, and separating the likes from the dissimilar. But as for me? I'm the unluckily unsortable. Isocratic in the extreme, I'm always too much of item a to fit in and too little of item b to "fit out" properly. I'm perpetually drifting in a purgatory of other-ness. The obvious suspects: home schooled, socially awkward, brain shivers, and the infamous complete lack of conversational segue. Lately these stooges haven't bothered me as much as the glaring giant in the room, who keeps mashing and smacking and slurping obnoxiously. I'm the ultimate outsider, the working mom. In a secular culture, this makes me somewhat "normal" but thank God I'm not really part of that scene. In the Christian circle, however, I feel like a leper, a social pariah, a neon sign of vulgarity and materialism. To be fair, I do love my job! I love designing, coding, and perfecting websites, apps, and videos. I love graphic design, blogging, and teaching classes on social media. I love taking photos and painstakingly editing them for hours. I love the people I work with, the opportunities afforded by my job, and oh the many, many things I learn each month. All of these things push me to grow and keep my brain buzzing with ideas and new strategies. I can't imagine not having that kind of challenge. But...
But I *love, love, love* my two boys! I miss them every day and can't wait to come home to them. It kills me that our family can't afford me to quit or work part time. I feel guilty every morning as I drop off the boys and head into rush hour, thinking "God, what am I doing?!" Sometimes, as I'm pumping milk for Noah in the small, two-stall bathroom at work, I feel overwhelmed with gut-crunching guilt that I can hardly breathe. On some level I know it's not as earth-shatteringly important as my brain makes it out to be, but geeze that knowledge doesn't help.
Top 3 Things I suck at as a mom:
1: Unplugging - I'm notorious for checking email or Facebook in the evening instead of giving the boys my undivided attention. I feel so tired and it's just easier to be always online than off for some stupid, illegitimate reason. This is terrible and I'm trying to make a conscious effort to leave my phone buried in my purse after 6.
2: Patience - Exhaustion doesn't ever let up and I'm so bad about feeling overwhelmed by the boys's needs. I tend to be reactionary and too serious without the fun and silliness more appropriate.
3: Just Stopping to Play - When I'm home, Im always doing laundry or feeding / cleaning up Noah. I'm terrible at simply stopping to play with Jude. Oh it kills me how much Im murdering parenthood already ...
So here's to praying for a heart that can take things one day at a time, work for a season as needed, and leave the office at the office!