Some days (/ weeks?) are just off. No matter how hard I white-knuckle myemotions, tackle my tongue, or try and try and try to be a "gentle and quite spirit" it's all useless. I'm no more gentle than hard, jagged glass. Hit me hard enough and I'll explode all over you, slicing you with a thousand cutting edges of "justified" anger. That's the crux of it, after all. Anger. The murderous seed that poisons even the happiest of moments because I deserve this or more of that, and WHY DON'T I HAVE IT THE WAY I WANT IT???! WHY AREN'T YOU PERFECT?! I DESERVE FOR YOU TO BE PERFECT, DON'T I?
I am trying / failing to tell myself this is the "normal" response to the billions of thundering hormones surging through my body as I slowly stop producing milk for Noah. The only problem is I'm not so deceived as to see the ugliness of my own heart and believe it's caused by my body. I call BS to that! I'm just a wicked clump of carbon and this hormone battle only amplifies the underlying depravity. Oh and how ugly I am. How beautiful God is to love one as stubbornly evil as me!
Evidence of my FILTHY HEART:
Item 1: To you unmarrieds out there, I will tell you something about yourself and marriage that you might never imagine possible. Marriage's biggest battles are waged DAILY over the trivial, banal facets of life. Those dumb little things will ultimately determine how you feel and how he feels about you. Don't believe me? Take something really stupid, like hangers casually tossed to the floor. This is so minor, but *because* it's so minor, and because it's daily, it drums into your head like water torture. The drip, drip, drip of his unintentional (or at least unconscious) sloppiness drills down to the dark stuff of your heart. And now it's not hangers. Oh no, it's lack of LOVE! You think, "Doesn't he see how hard I work to keep this room clean? Can't he just throw the hangers away, or even hang them up? Why is he so thoughtless and spiteful as to throw them on the floor? I've asked him so many times and still he insists* (*see the deceptive imbuing of malicious intent?) on throwing them on the floor!" So I get mad. Mad, mad, mad!!!!! I am now SO ANGRY! So irrationally angry over such a stupid thing. This anger looks for wider justification (sensing that it is quite disproportional to the "crime") and starts to amalgamate atrocities to his list. It's hangers AND its lack off affection! And it's laziness! And it's lack of leadership. Etc, etc. I'm so good at playing prosecution to Justin's "crimes" it's scary. The man I love the most, treasure the most, and deserve the least I'm so willing to burn at the stake over *hangers.* Thank God Im not in charge of anyone's sentencing.
Item 2: I'm so obnoxiously distractable at Church. I have the hardest time listening and focusing on what's being said because a veritable troop of mental sieges smash my brain with extraneous topics: My poor spiritual performance the previous week; my inability to mature in key areas of my life; my stubbornness; my suckiness as a mom, etc. I can't seem to break free of the torrent of irrelevance.
Item 3: I'm just depressed. There you have it. I'm one of the most blessed people on the planet and yet Im selfish and stupid enough to feel depressed because my life doesn't look more like x+ y^3. It's just so x - 2. Oh brother. It's never enough. I'm always naively willing to bite at that treacherous thought that things are better on the other side of the fence.
Summation = all my problems stem from me and are exacerbated by me, while I happily believe in evil, mischievous externals.
And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, (Ezekiel 11:19 ESV)