In Pursuit of Low Self-Esteem
Someone told me recently not to post things about myself that are "negative." This was in response to a Facebook update in which I confessed my sorrow at the incredibly wicked nature of my heart, particularly at the time when Justin and I first met. This person feared that my words would be used by Satan to stir up feelings of low self-esteem and depression. After deleting my post and thinking on this, I've decided this person, though meaning well, is completely wrong. I do not = my sin. Thanks to God's long-planned determination, Christ's overwhelming love, and the Spirit's powerful heart-transforming work, I am no longer "dead in my sins."
This by no means implies that I have overcome sin. Jesus overcame sin and death and by his righteousness I am seen as righteous. My positional cleanliness doesn't equate spiritual completion. I still sin. A lot. An embarrassing amount. However my identity lies in Christ, NOT in my abilities or innate "worth."
That's why I've concluded that bringing my sin into the light not only gives me freedom from its grasping hooks, but keeps me humble before you and God. Maybe this isn't the way most people would choose to confess their ugly bits, but I'm thankful for the ability to shout out (digitally speaking), "Look how lousy I am! Look how great he is! Look how amazing His love is that he would love me!"
So yes, I not only want low self-esteem, I want NO self-esteem. I want my thoughts, hopes, dreams, and identity to be solely found in Christ and not in me. The more I look on me, the more I fall into depression, anorexia, fear of what other's think of me, and anxiety about everything. Peace and joy are only found in him and Him alone.
Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure. (Psalms 147:5 ESV)
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:14-19 ESV)