Depressed And Hopeful
Do you ever have moments when your spine melts to marrow-y goo and you have the overwhelming desire to shell your body with thick covers and blot out the daylight? And you just feel "ugh", like a grey-scheme that rolls in the fog from some sourceless place? This is when Justin would say, "Jenny, that analogy is absolutely the worst."
O.k., I'm talking about depression. Not the "there's-a-legitimate-reason-why-I'm-feeling-this-way" depression, but the much more annoying kind. It's a deep, thick, quick-drying funk that keeps you unmotivated, listless, uninspired, possibly weepy, definitely mopey. It's almost worse because you KNOW it's illegitimate. I'm sure you could find something to blame if you tried---exhaustion, money problems, circumstantial suckiness, etc---but nothing so big that should dull the glaring blessings flooding sunshine in everywhere.
Maybe this is what medically minded types would term "chemical imbalance." I don't really care what you call it. It stinks. It doubly stinks because I'm so aware of how ungrateful and sinful it is to sulk when The Lord is so, so, so good to me! Today was a day like that. I don't want to do anything. My children shriek and I want to just curl up in bed and let Justin take care of them. It's pathetic to see this for the crippling thing it is and yet feel so within it all the same.
The only cure I've found is scripture and lots of it:
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation." -Psalm 42:5
There is so much hope found in God that I find it so comforting just to remember Him, His promises, and His love.