This week has been something of a wreck for me with food. I feel like there was no struggle, no growth, no healing from the past 8 years if I could so easily slide back into old, wicked thoughts and habits. Don't let me be vague---vagueness is the poison of confession.
I have a 3 / 5 day track record for bulimia this week: 3 days crumbling to it's influence, 2 days (by God's profound grace) straining but withstanding temptation. This is heartbreaking to me. This is old-Jenny stuff.
I've had three people ask me, "What triggered this," to which I keep replying "I really don't know." How can I be so oblivious to my own heart and it's sinful bends? My heart and spirit are heavy. There's a resounding (and truthful) cry of "hypocrite" accusing me every moment of inner-reflection. And I can't deny it's true. One moment I'm proclaiming "Jesus heals!" The next I'm destroying my own witness by sliding so easily back into sin.
In a spirit of discouragement, I sat down to my quite time today. And God graciously delivered this passage from Martin Luther to soothe burning shame:
"This life therefore is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness, not health, but healing, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it, the process is not yet finished, but it is going on, this is not the end, but it is the road. All does not yet gleam in glory, but all is being purified."
"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. "(Philippians 3:13, 14 ESV)