Comfort Cravings

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Y'all I'm craving comfort: coffee, @scratchcottagebakery's chocolate chip salt cookies, and some peaceful quiet while I read on my little lit screen. Maybe you're guilty of this too, but I'm definitely finding myself not "feeling" like reading my bible or seeking true comfort from Jesus.

(Side note: growing up church of Christ, there was a weird stigma or at least shying away from using Jesus's name. We used lots of substitutes--Lord, Christ, Son of God. I have to make a conscious effort to just say "Jesus" and not a title or reference point. That wouldn't be bad, per se, but since I already struggle to feel close or known / loved by God, that small act of familiarity can mean a big difference for me spiritually. Plus, to those few non-churches folks in the South, using the words "Christ" and "Lord" can probably be confusing and isolating when they don't understand them.)

 

Honestly, if I only read my bible or pursued time with God when I felt like it this year, I might have booked 7 days in the word rather than over 200 (Please don't read that as bragging. I am terrible at daily bible reading and this is the first time in 20 years of attempts that I'm actually on the correct day in my daily Bible regime. Every other year I've given up somewhere in Leviticus / March. Praise Him for small steps of victory!) Yes, I just don't enjoy the Bible like I should. Too often I'm bored by it. I'm exhausted by it. I feel judged and condemned by it. I feel so weary just thinking of it.

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It's exactly the I same way I feel about mirrors right now. I've aged ten years these past three: wrinkles and lines; freckles and sun spots; black, thick, wirey hairs sprouting everywhere; and just ugh.... but I still look. I still look and comb down the crazy locks, lather on the sunscreen, and wash the wrinkles. Because that's life and that's being an adult and not an adult child, right? And yes, some days I do have to say to myself, "Jenny, yes you're aging, and your no model, but it's not the outside that matters so just get over it!" I believe the same has to be said to my flagging desire to pursue God. I have to just stop, confess to Him my heart's darkness, selfishness, and idolatry, and ask for His grace to shine light in my night.

I want to get to a point where I'm thirsty for God, hungry for his Word, and eager to talk with him again. I've been there not so long ago and I hope and trust he'll bring me back there. For the moment, though, I'm going to put this phone down and confess my faithlessness inspite of His faithfulness and dig into today's reading: 2 Samuel. {Photo credit: @foodess }

Jenny Smith

3705 Oceanview Drive, Denton, TX, 76208